Good is an Illusion
by AFootyFan
Summary: The war is at its peak, and Lily is weighed down by guilt. She feels responsible for the death of her parents, and isolates herself from every one around her in the hopes of protecting them from the same fate. But some people refuse to brushed off...
1. Doubts and Duels

**LPOV**

Lily Evans stared unseeingly out the rain strewn, darkening window. A lone black cat stalked the cramped street below, dodging open spaces and prowling behind trash cans or benches the lined the crumbling sidewalk. His lantern-like eyes moved to and fro, searching with no success for a source of food. _Just like us…_Lily realized as a tear escaped her emerald green eyes. The cat, with nothing to feed it, would soon die, as would Lily and her friends with no hope. No hope of a way out of this nightmare meant almost certain death. Lord Voldemort, as he now called himself, would never end the killings, unless he was somehow satisfied, and Lily doubted that day would come soon.

She shivered and returned her attention to the cat which had managed to scavenge a blackened piece of meat from an overturned bin, and was now galloping off, prize in mouth.

Perhaps there was hope, after all. Finding it would mean reaching into some dark possibilities. Sacrifices of many lives would be made, but the war would end. The cat was finally out of sight, safe from the dangers of brawling animals. He would be able to feed his family tonight…

Lily's eyes dropped to her pale, clammy hands that rested on the window sill. She hadn't seen Petunia in over three years, not since the deaths of Mary and Jacob Evans. Lily couldn't blame her sister, because this was all her own fault. Her parents would have been still alive, happy and ignorant of the deaths and evil surrounding. With no wizarding connections, they would have never been tracked and murdered.

She took an unsteady breath. It had been a long time since she had pulled up the memory of her family. More often by far, she would block them all out. Petunia may have never talked to Lily again, but Lily would never trust herself to love anyone again, wizarding world or not. She deserved this pain, every second of it. She had deprived both worlds of two extraordinary people that she could never make up for.

When she looked out the window again it was pitch black, and the tiny dots of rain were slowly making their way down to the bottom of the glass. Sleep tonight would come no easier than it ever did, but she extinguished the floating candles and climbed into her cold, unwelcoming bed.

Lily Evans was very much alone, and though she would grieve, the cat would never bring her food. Would she accept it if it did? It was all for the best. What good was she to anyone?

**JPOV**

She was everything. The only thought that kept him going on late night Auror training classes, the only thing that kept him from going mad and painlessly ending it all. She was a lighthouse in the dark rocking waves that he floated helplessly on…_Oh, how poetic…_

He must be off his nut. The war was finally getting to James Potter, the only one, along with Sirius Black, of course, who kept moral up.

Inside, he knew it was all show. They were all just as terrified at the prospect of  
Lord Voldemort as he was. The most they could do was cross their fingers that they and their friends weren't called out on something dangerous.

But on top of the war, vigorous Auror training, and poetic writing, James had Lily Evans to think about. It had to be nearly midnight, and Lily had been on his mind all day. _Well,_ he told himself, _more like since I met her._ The rumors you heard were all true; love at first sight does exist. James experienced it himself thirteen years ago…

_James' eyes fell onto the barrier once more, to see a girl with long, auburn hair and green, almond shaped eyes-_

James pushed the flashback out of his thoughts; he had to concentrate on the present version of Lily. He tried to imagine her as she looked now; taller, with longer hair… possibly single…

Of course she wasn't single! Intelligent, young, beautiful, how could she be? James hadn't seen her in three years, but he still harbored the same feelings as he always had for her at Hogwarts. He couldn't honestly say that he'd been with anyone since her.

He gritted his teeth as a magnified voice rang out over the night, cutting his thoughts short. "Alright, everyone, that will do for tonight. This session is over,"

Sirius appeared at his shoulder, panting through his open-mouthed grin. "That's our signal, Prongs! FOOD!" He linked arms with his bemused friend and skipped toward the edge of the forest that they were in.

The trees thinned and in a rush of open sky revealed an array of stars and a sliver of a moon.

With a guilty twinge, James thought of Remus, recovering from the full moon, alone. Ever since training had come to field work, Sirius and James had been unable to him through his "furry little problem".

The skipping ceased. "Well, this Auror stuff sure is overrated, eh Prongs?" James broke his eyes away from the sky and looked ahead, where his peers were apperating home, practically falling over in drowsiness.

"Well, girls must love it," he voiced moving into an unoccupied patch of ground and concentrating on his flat in downtown London. Sirius, not taking the hint, followed, wrapping his arm around James' shoulders.

"Thought you didn't care what other girls thought… Thought you were only interested in Evans…" James opened his eyes in surprise, peering over at Sirius though the darkness. He was whistling nonchalantly. James didn't see how Sirius could possibly know this, as they never discussed James' love life, only Sirius's snog life.

He caught James looking and shrugged. "You never agree to meet new women," he stated simply. It was true, of course. James had hoped eventually Sirius would either not care of assume that James had no interest in women at all. "Why don't you go and see her? She may even say yes this ti- Ouch!" James had jabbed him playfully in the ribs in response to his tease.

James conjures a long, white glove, flicking his wand to make it slap Sirius's face.

"I accept your challenge!" Sirius pronounced proudly. A few heads turned and some curious onlookers appeared. Both men grinned. Some things never changed. But, as James' mind wandered back to his previous thoughts early the next morning, the thoughts of Lily, he knew that was a rare thing.

(AN: Sorry, I've left this one hanging for too long, its all good now. More chapters on the way! )


	2. Prongs' Flight

**LPOV**

Lily awoke to the beeping of her over-excited Waker. Grasping her wand, eyes wide and breathing heavy from the unexpected noise, she silenced the creature. Only in bad times would Lily resort to summoning a Waker, because she was always punctual, always able to depend on her biological clock to rouse her. She had lost this trust when, one dizzy and hectic morning about a month ago, she had slept nearly until noon on a work day. Lily was now losing more and more sleep with every passing night, due to the ever growing work load that she took home with her.

She dismissed the Waker, which saluted her and vanished in a cloud of lavender scented smoke. A tiny scorch mark appeared where the being had been moments before, curving into the numbers "5:30". She rubbed her eyes and cursed harshly under her breath as she caught sight of the fading numbers. Lily had set the Waker to four thirty, she had been certain to! There was no time to call the Waker back and confront it. She raced to her cabinet, pulling on random pieces of clothing, not caring (or knowing, in the dim light of her room) if they at all matched.

Hurrying past the petite kitchen to the door, she grimaced as the pains of hunger set in. Now she wished that she hadn't skipped dinner the previous night, as well.

Once outside in the dusty hall, she looked right and left for any sign of a lurking Muggle, and Apparated to the Ministry. When she had first moved into the apartment, she had thought it a good idea to secure the place with Anti-Apparition spells, but now she knew them to be just a waste of time.

Her feet hit the hard marble floor of the Ministry atrium, and she sighed in relief. She wasn't going to be late…

"Going to a funeral, Evans?" Lily didn't have to face the voice to know who had spoken. A tall, handsome, and infuriating Elliot Adams stood before her, smirking as her eyed her clothing. She took a good look at her clothes for the first time since throwing them on in a frenzy only a few seconds before. Somehow, in the fleeting moments in her bedroom, she'd managed to pick out all black.

She met Adams eyes, smiling coldly. "Well, since you're just begging for your own, I might oblige," she informed him. He looked taken aback, and for good reason. Lily Evans was the quiet, good natured girl who never blew up at anyone like that. She tilted her head, the smile now gone and replaced with a stony glare. "Not that I'd plan to attend," and with that, she swept past him to the golden lift, a pit of guilt slowly forming in her stomach. He'd only been joking…

Perhaps it was the loss of sleep; perhaps it was her isolation from pretty much everyone around her, but Lily felt the lack of something essential draining her steadily, driving her insane. Why couldn't she just smile and nod at people? Why did she feel she had to ignore them all?

The button to her floor (the second: "Department of Magical Law Enforcement") had already been pushed, and she cast her eyes around curiously to the other occupants of the lift.

She spotted the tall, dark-skinned man in the corner at once. "Morning, Kingsley," he looked up from the memo he was reading and grinned. She doubted he had even noticed her attire, so perhaps it wasn't so obvious after all. She waited patiently and witches and wizards got on and off the lift, until they had finally reached the second floor. Kingsley followed her off and they made their way to the Auror headquarters. They emerged into a sea of cubicles and chatting witches and wizards. Lily let out her breath and found her own five square feet of the massive room. Three deposited letters and an owl awaited her on her desk. Upon her approach, the owl dropped its parcel and swooped into the air. A package? With an owl given orders not to leave it until she arrived? Lily eagerly ripped the brown packaging off the parcel. This could be her big break from the endless piles of paperwork- a field assignment!

A bundle of white clothing was revealed and Lily searched the fabrics desperately for a note. She found it tucked up a sleeve of the blouse.

"From Elliot. Not dead yet, Evans," it read. Her excitement drained and she crumpled the tiny paper and threw it to the paper bin. As for the clothes, well, she had yet to decide how to destroy them. She pushed them to the side of her desk and began to read the memos, trying to think of anything but Adams.

The topmost was an official reminder that all Group B Aurors were to attend a training class the following night at eight o'clock. Lily placed it in the bin; she had already planned her evening around the class.

Next, she found the usual updates, consisting today of newspaper clippings and a few new photos. She scanned the pile quickly, and, finding nothing needing immediate action, pushed it to the side.

The last memo turned out to be a scrawled note from Alice Heart. Lily bit her lip, wondering if she should read it.

Alice was one of the sweetest people Lily had ever met. She was a beautiful, petite, with a friendly, rounded face and sparkling brown eyes. At Hogwarts, Alice had graduated two years ahead of Lily, so they had never really met until Lily had become an Auror. Now, Alice was one cubicle away and kinder than everyone else in Group B combined. These reasons were what caused Lily to hesitate. She did her best not to socialize with people at work, Alice especially. Lily had done everything but right out lie to Alice that she didn't want to be friends, but Alice persevered. When Lily was silent, Alice would provide the conversation. Never had Lily met someone who tried so hard to keep others happy.

Lily desperately needed friends, she knew it, but, all the while, she didn't want to endanger Alice… Before she could change her mind and burn the letter, Lily scanned the couple of words written in Alice's untidy font.

"Lily- I heard about you and Adams this morning. Well done! Even he looked amused! See you in a few minutes? —Alice," Lily read in her head. It didn't really surprise her that Alice had already heard about the 'encounter' from a few minutes ago; news traveled very fast at the Ministry, which, in the time of an emergency, was what made the Ministry so efficient.

She smiled genuinely for the first time that day. Ignoring her previous rationalization, Lily came to a very important conclusion. Friendship was worth all of its risks. She was tired of cold-shouldering everyone, of detaching herself from every glimpse of a possible friendship. There was nothing she could do to bring her parents back- she would have to face that sooner or later. She chose sooner. Lily stood up, making her way determinedly to Alice Heart's cubicle.

**JPOV**

James could feel himself slipping slowly out of consciousness. No one could blame the poor fellow really, because he had gotten about two hours of sleep last night. An irksome cough was sounding from somewhere above him, growing more insistent with every passing minute. Whatever it was would have to wait; James awoke for no man...

All of a sudden, a burst of noise ripped through his relaxed ears. His head shot up off the desk, and he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Woken up, have you?" Sirius stood leaning against the side of James' cubicle, examining his nails with a bored expression. "Been here about fifteen minutes without you noticing… So I thought I might, you know, let my presence be known." He fingered the thick volume on James' desk that he had no doubt dropped to cause the noise.

James yawned. "Was wondering when you couldn't take being ignored any longer…." Sirius grinned and grabbed James' cheek, shaking it like grandparents always do. He then sat on the corner of James' desk, crossing his legs suggestively so they rubbed against James'.

"So James, how are things?" He had put on a breathy low voice, batting his eyelashes.

"Sorry Sirius, I'd answer if I could hear you, but something appears to be wrong with my ears, can't think what, though," Sirius jumped off the desk, picking up the large book and using his thumb and pinky to make the 'call me' gesture, blowing James a kiss.

After he and Sirius had 'dueled' last night, they and half of Group A had gone out for a late dinner. By the time he had crawled in to bed, his clock had read that it was half-past-three.

For the first time that day, James caught sight of a note that had been dropped on his desk:

"Let's all follow Lily's lead and wear black… It is, after all, Elliot's funeral," it said.

James eyed the name Lily. If only, he thought. This was just a Group B inside joke, given to him by accident. He binned it, and jumped as, for the second time that morning, a loud noise caught him off-guard.

"Oi, Prongs!"

"Yep, there goes the other ear. Swell job Sirius. I'm permanently deaf n–,"

"Did you get the note? About Lily and Elliot's funeral?" Sirius was brandishing his copy of the memo in James's face.

"Yeah, w–?"

"You do realize who 'Lily' is, don't you?" Sirius was panting now. James looked at him, his brow furrowed.

"What are you–?"

"Lily EVANS!" He whispered harshly, tearing into the cubicle and shaking James violently by the shoulders. James went rigid, and Sirius stopped, stepping back and peering into his friend's stunned face.

"Wait…" James said slowly, concentrating all his energies on processing what Sirius had said. A huge bubble was steadily rising in his chest. "Lily EVANS? Works here?" His hand flew to his hair for the first time since he had actually seen her. Sirius was saying something else, but James didn't care anymore. He had to find her!

"She could be anywhere, Sirius! Where do I look?" he asked frantically, cutting his friend off. Sirius gave him an exasperated look.

"That's what I've just been telling you, mate! She works in Group B somewhere," he explained again. James' eyes widened. GROUP B? She's been across the room and he never knew? It didn't matter. Time was of the essence, she was somewhere in this very room…

He did his very best not to sprint to the right side of the large room, but who was he kidding? Heads turned as he speed-walked across the split between the cubicles that signified the end of Group A and the start of Group B.

Now that he was there, James had no idea where to start. He veered right, picking his way through the cubicles and searching for any flash of red among the browns, blacks and the occasional blond. Could she really be here? Was this all part of a bizarre joke Sirius was pulling on him?

A familiar face caught his eye. It was Frank Longbottom, an old friend of James' that had been a year ahead of him at Hogwarts. "Hello Frank," he said, ceasing his movements to look for Lily.

Frank smiled. "Decided to descend a letter in the alphabet?" he chucked weekly at his own joke. "What's up?"

"I'm looking for someone. Do you know a Lily Evans?" Frank's face lit up.

"Doesn't everyone? She's in row H, cubicle # 16. Tell her I think what she said to Adams was brilliant, won't you?" James nodded and set off for the coordinates Frank had given. H, 16… H, 16… He repeated the letter and number of her cubicle over and over, memorizing the rhythmic beat it made. The sign above him said he has currently in row M. He found his way to the narrow corridor that ran between each set of two cubicles and turned left. Never had he fully realized just how many cubicles there were in this place.

Lily was in one of them. James sped up, ignoring heads poking out over the low walls and glaring. He was going to see Lily Evans, the love of his life…

He tripped.

(A/N: I felt like I had to somehow spoil that moment, sorry if it's completely ruined for you now… Ignore it if you want.)


	3. Lead

**JPOV **

All thoughts of Lily left James' mind as he saw the floor drawing closer. His face hit the stiff carpet and he heard a girl's voice speaking urgently.

"Are you alright? Oh, I'm so sorry! I should have seen that coming…!" James blinked away the lights flashing behind his eyes and pushed himself onto his knees. He couldn't see a thing… Where were his glasses?

A large blur from which the frantic apologies seemed to be coming from came into his view and he felt his glasses being pushed onto his nose.

"Alice? What's going on?" There was now another voice coming from behind him.

"I was picking up my papers and he sort of… tripped over me…" Alice's voice sounded close to tears.

"It's okay, really, I'm fine," James assured her once he had regained his breath. He stood up slowly, but found that his legs felt fine under his weight. "Could you tell me where cubicle H 16 is?" Alice's expression turned from surprise to amusement.

"That's…" The voice behind him came yet again, curious and quiet. "That's _my_ cubicle…" James turned swiftly and his jaw dropped.

Lily Evans stood before him. Her eyes flashed in recognition as she surveyed him. Dark red hair reached barely past her shoulders, shorter than he remembered it to be, but still unmistakable. She was clothed completely in black, hence the morning's memo.

"James," she said as a smile spread her lips slightly.

"Hello, Lily," he greeted after a few moments of staring at her in shock. "Fancy seeing you here," Her lips twitched.

Of course she would find that amusing. It was obvious that he had, in fact, been looking for her. "I, er, heard about this morning," He grasped at the subject randomly. She rolled her eyes and he marveled at how the light glinted from her emerald eyes when she did so.

"Yes, well, I've never really been chummy with Adams. I guess he had it coming," Something in the tone of her voice made him look closer at her face. Not prone to noticing imperfections in her beauty upon first sight of her, he had overlooked the dark circles arcing under her eyes, and the eyes themselves held the history of little sleep over the past few months. Not knowing quite what to say but eager to keep the conversation going, James asked her about Auror training.

"Oh, it's going well, I suppose. Nothing physically demanding so far," she answered, starting to shift from foot to foot. James realized then how awkward it was to be having their first conversation in years in the middle of the hallway with Alice (who had stood there watching the exchange with a knowing expression the whole time) there.

"Well, that's good," he commented absentmindedly, having to stop himself from running his fingers through his hair in agitation that he was about to cut their talk short. "I have to go. Talk to you later?" He asked, half holding his breath in awaiting her reply.

She nodded. "We really should be getting back to work," she added. There was an embarrassed pause in which no one moved.

"Um, I guess we could catch up some other time," she said it almost as a question. James felt elated. He could hardly keep the grin off his face.

"Yeah," He said, nodding awkwardly to Alice and walking slowly back toward Group A, if he would ever find it. Not that he'd mind so much… Lily wanted to catch up. Nothing could spoil his mood.

He was back in business!

**LPOV**

"Well, wasn't that… special?" Alice commented in a would-be nonchalant voice as they watched James practically skip away in the opposite direction that he had come. Lily could tell her new friend could hardly contain her sniggers. "So…?" she prodded, fixing her wide eyes on Lily with raised eyebrows.

"Oh," Lily replied softly. The stunned, numb feeling was slowly receding. So Potter worked here, too? She would have to ponder that later. She tried to push it to the back of her mind. "That was just an old friend," she added. The words sounded false and stiff. He and she had gotten together mid-way through seventh year, but she had forced herself out of it upon the death of her parents.

Alice didn't press the matter, but gave Lily a funny smile and picked up her paper, eyebrows still raised disbelievingly.

Apart from the morning's occurrences, Lily's day ran smoothly as always. She got home at around ten o'clock and prioritized the rest of her night.

Unable to thwart the call of food, Lily had an "Instant Lunch" (a handy muggle invention that made nice, noodle soup) then fell into her bed, not feeling particularly tired. Tonight would be dedicated to thought.

James Potter. James. Back in her life out of nowhere. Why was he doing this? Frustration gripped her. It would be Hogwarts all over again. The endless pursuit of an unrequited love. But it had never been unrequited. Quite the contrary, Lily could distinctly recall spending the hours she didn't need for homework attempting to sketch his face. Needless to say she had never been quite able to recapture the elegant curve of his face-

Lily shook herself.

She wasn't sure how to feel about this. Perhaps befriending Alice had been a rash decision. Involving herself with James again would definitely be one. Lily was many things. Social wasn't one of them. Perhaps she would be if wasn't do paranoid that everyone she spent more than a few seconds was doomed to a terrible death.

James was important so her (Lily had the sudden yearning for a roll of parchment and quill for drawing), and though it was hard to explain precisely how her becoming close to him would endanger his wonderful self (perhaps it was just a feeling), but either way, she was at an impasse.

Perhaps he wasn't even interested in her anymore. The thought made her ache with sorrow, and yet she hoped it was true. It was quite unlikely. James had endured years of her "loathing" and rejection and never given up. Would he go through it all again? Was the first time remotely worth his efforts?

Lily severely doubted that he would still want her after what she had done. He just wanted to catch up.

A small nagging voice in her head was telling her otherwise. Was it so hard to believe that Alice and James both cared about her and actually liked her? Alice and James, two people that she loved-

Lily was still.

Alice and James… James and Alice… Love…

Well, there was her answer. She'd kill two birds with one stone and feel no more guilt about the whole thing. At least, that's what she thought.

…

Lily was already brushing her teeth when the Waker started to vibrate and buzz the next morning. She dismissed it and started to dress herself with the silky while clothes that Elliot had given her the previous morning. Amazing… they fit perfectly. What in the world was Elliot doing with women's clothing? Lily shook her head, amused.

Breakfast consisted of buttered toast and milk. Feeling the best she had in three years, Lily apperated to the Ministry. Unfortunately, she did not run into Adams, and therefore could not show off her new garb.

She reached her desk to find it empty and clear, as she had left it last night, save for a piece of rather grubby looking parchment. Lily eyed it critically- nope, it definitely wasn't hers.

Suddenly, words appeared, letter by letter, as if someone invisible sat at her desk, writing notes.

Lily gingerly scooped the parchment into her hand, squinting at the messy lettering.

"Morning, Lily. Remember this old trick?" Even as she read it under her breath, more words appeared below the first set.

"This is how Sirius and I managed to get an "O" each on the History of Magic NEWT. How could Binns expect us to remember all that rubbish?" So it was James on the other end, awaiting her reply. She fought a smile, knowing she couldn't be too nice to him.

"Utterly intriguing, James," she wrote neatly to the side of his first note. She had to grin as there was a long pause in which, she guessed, he was trying to figure out if she was being sarcastic or not.

"How did you pass it, then?" came the words. She sighed.

"James, I really have a lot of wok to do-" here she glanced guiltily at her empty desk, "- so I'll have to talk to you later," This time there was no pause.

"Alright. Don't throw this paper away though. Clearu-" Before she had even finished reading his spell, the entire parchment had gone blank. She placed it to the side and sat tranquil, wishing she hadn't lied about being busy. There was nothing to do. Death Eaters always evaded capture. Rarely did the Ministry catch a lead at all.

Perhaps, though, Lily could find something on Garson the she hadn't already memorized. Garson was the case she was currently assigned to. She turned to the wall on her right and studied the good-looking, cheerful face that smiled down on her. So far, all Lily knew for sure about him was that he was a Scottish pureblood, 38 years old, and responsible for the deaths of Ernie and George Carton, Jimmy Creevy, Andrew Smith, and a muggle boy named Kevin Wimberley.

Lily tapped her chin with a finger, staring into the smiling, good natured eyes. She found it disconcerting to want to like him, while knowing the truth behind his eyes.

Why all boys? Every one of them had been between the ages of four and fifteen. She couldn't see a distinct pattern in their ages, nor a specific reason why they were all male. Was that just his unexplained preference?

Lily folded the corner of the paper idly. Perhaps Garson had been ordered to kill only boys…

Lord Voldemort wants boys killed, Lily thought, scrawling a quick memo to Alice on a piece of her notes. The memo flapped away and Lily awaited its return impatiently.

Several moments later, the memo, now nearly ten times thicker, landed unceremoniously down on her desk after narrowly avoiding a few passing staff. Inside, she found whole folder of Alice's research and a note:

"Lily- Alright, it's all here, I think! Thank you, I'm so glad to get all of this away from me. Let me know if you find anything! –Alice,"

Lily dove into the folder with anticipation and found photos of face completely different from Garson's. The man had a thin white face, cold, grey eyes, and a knowing sneer on his lips, as if he had her right where he wanted her. Lily wanted to shudder, but wouldn't give Lucious Malfoy that satisfaction.

**JPOV**

It had been two hours since Lily had 'hung up' on him, and James steadily turning mad from the lack of activity in his small cubicle. He really should be working, but his desk was clear- no new updates or assignments.

Finally a thought struck him and he cursed himself for not seeing it before. If Lily was so busy, maybe he could help her finish her work quicker. He found a quill and held it poised over the tattered parchment until his guts caught up with him and he began to write.

"Lily- I know you're busy but I think I might be able to help. What are you doing?" he waited anxiously for thirty-nine (he had counted) seconds before a reply appeared.

"I don't think so James, this is REALLY important,"

He stared dumbly at the parchment.

"All the more reason for me to help!" he wrote quickly.

"Sorry- can't talk. I'm throwing this away, James, I need to concentrate,"

Even as he began a hurried response, the faint glow illuminating the parchment faded. Well, so much for that…

James crinkled the parchment and closed his eyes, imagining Lily sitting in cubical H 16. What on earth was she up to that was so important? Why hadn't she accepted his help? A thought came to him and he sighed. Maybe she thought he was going to ask her out again.

Not wanting to ponder the matter any longer, he opened his eyes, noticing a new memo on his desk.

"Work, work," he muttered, reaching for it and reading the words upon it.

James jumped out of his seat, eyes glued to the scrap of paper in his hand. A loud excited chattering broke out at that instant and people exited their cubicles, flooding the halls.

"A lead."


	4. Confession of the Heart and the Head

**LPOV**

Lily heard the scrabbling and chaos erupting around her and felt an adrenalin rush. She pointed her want to her throat and was within moment standing on top of her desk, looking out over the low walls of her cubical at every excited, scared, and confused face. Her voice boomed unnaturally with the force of the charm on her throat and the movement in the cramped room ceased.

"Everyone!" Every eye fell on her. "Please stay calm as I debrief you on this lead," A bead of sweat rolled down her brow, feeling every gaze as if it were a hot spotlight. "His name is Grenigal Garson, and until recently, his killings appeared completely random. We have just cracked the code. He's only killing boys born in the month of July-" chatter immediately broke out again, much more urgent than before. Several aurors had turned slightly pale.

"My son's birthday-"

"-reckon I still qualify as a boy?"

"What's he got against July?"

"That sexist son of a-"

They all spoke over each other, and Lily whispered a short incantation under her breath. The strange vibrations in her throat died away, and she climbed off her desk, joining he colleges in the walkway between cubicles.

"People, people!" rang a loud voice above the chatter. Everyone turned to see the new speaker. Lily felt a twinge of surprise for the second time that day. Sirius Black stood on a desk now, glancing around at the now mostly quiet sea of faces before him. Black worked there too? Lily shook her head, a smile curving her mouth. Of course he did. James and Sirius had been attached at the hip at Hogwarts, apparently that hadn't changed.

"I think we should tell the public so they can protect their kids-"

"But then Gengal or whatever will know we know!" shouted a woman. The crowd nodded and murmured in agreement.

"That doesn't matter- we just have to keep everyone safe!" About fifty people appeared to be trying to answer him at once, with no success.

"It's your call, Rufus!" A voice rang out. A second man detached himself from the crowd and stood on a desk. Rufus Scrimgeour. Lily could see Sirius scowling.

"I believe that Mrs. Beyer is correct, we shouldn't release this to the public, lest we start a full on invasion. We must keep this to ourselves for the time being. That leaves more time to think of any alternative courses of action," Concurrence swept through the crowd as the speech ended. Lily eyes Sirius, who shrugged to himself, looking reluctant.

"Alright, I want everyone looking over their own assignments, looking for similar patterns. Report any finds to me," Scrimgeour finished, and the crowd sprang into action. With every passing moment the excitement in the room seemed to intensify as people scrutinized their notes.

"How'd you find it?" Alice asked from her perch on Lily's desk a few minutes later. Lily looked at her, hiding a proud smile.

"You had everything I needed, Alice. Malfoy was doing the same thing, except it was all documented separately, which is probably why you never realized," Alice gave a sheepish grin as Lily's elation soared- they might finally have a solid lead on the man that had been keeping her up past two in the morning for the last month. "So I checked up on all of Garson's victims, and found the same," Alice was now watching Lily with knowing eyes.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this happy! First James, now this…" At the mention of his name, Lily sobered. In all the rush, she'd forgotten completely about her weak plan. She cleared her throat in a tentatively, her smile becoming a grimace.

"Yes, about that-,"

"Oh, you don't have to explain anything to me, Lily. I could feel it," Lily looked away from Alice's cheerful face while her heart pumped wildly.

"F-feel what?" Her voice was rather shrill, she noticed with an internal wince. Alice rolled her eyes and giggled. Lily could feel herself go from pale to beet red in a mater of seconds.

"Love," she answered wistfully. There was a long pause in which Lily regained her voice.

"No, Alice, I-," an exasperated look from her new friend silenced Lily mid sentence. She hung her head in defeat. "It was a long time ago… I broke it off,"

"Why?" The bluntness and simplicity of the question stunned Lily, it seemed almost harsh. The instinct to lie was suppressed. Lily wanted to talk to Alice about this.

"My parents…" she began feebly. 'The plan' would never work. She had never confided in anyone about that day in seventh year, but if she was going to, she owed it to mum and dad to do it right. Lily had to admit to herself that her feeling for James had never gone away. "They were murdered. Three years ago, about a month after James and I got together." Having instantly realized that this went much deeper than just her relationship with James, Alice's eyes widened and she adjusted her seat on Lily's desk. Anger sizzled in Lily. "They were muggles, Alice! Innocent muggles… After that, I didn't want to be close to anyone, least of all James, because he mattered so much to me. Alice," Lily paused, looking up into Alice's eyes, "He still does. But I don't know If I'm ready for him again," Lily's eyes had drifted to Garson's cheery picture. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and tears stung behind her eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me all this before?" Uh-oh, here it came. Lily sniffed and wiped her glistening eyes.

"I had this, this stupid plan," she replied, laughing a little as she thought over it once more. "I didn't want to get close to you or James, so I thought I'd try to get the two of you together. Needless to say, it never would have worked," Alice had started shaking in silent mirth halfway through Lily's explanation.

"No, my heart beats for another," she said slyly, winking at Lily's astonished face and walking out of the cubicle.

**JPOV**

James ran a hand through his hair for the umpteenth time that evening. The phrase 'old habits die hard' was taking on a whole new meaning to him.

Sirius was pacing restlessly across the expanse of the small cubicle, mumbling to himself absentmindedly.

"This is a bad idea, I can feel it," he informed James, his eyes lifting in time to see another hair ruffle. "Stop that! You're doing nothing to ease my nerves!" He swatted James' hand from his hair and continued to pace.

"Neither are you! You'll wear a whole through the floor at the rate you're going," James snapped as his fingers began to drum the surface of his desk anxiously.

Ignoring him, Sirius lengthened his stride. "Wonder how Evans found it out…" James felt the same way. He shrugged- a jerky, swift movement.

"Scrimgeour is making a mistake," Sirius alleged, perhaps louder than necessary. Quieter, as if his words were only meant for James this time, he murmured, "It's not the first."

"No, it hardly is," James agreed, finally taking out and searching through his notes in resignation. He already knew that Lily's observations were true for his man, too. "I just don't see how I missed this," he lamented to the taller man, who still strode from one side of the cubicle to the other. "I mean, I looked at physical characteristics, age, broke down names, counted letters… But I never considered it would be as simple as birthdays…" he snorted, angry for some reason beyond him that Lily had beaten him to cracking the code.

"Whatever mate," Sirius grumbled. "The point is, there's a pattern. We know who's at risk and we aren't doing a thing about it." With that, he strode out into the hallway, motioning for James to follow, who obeyed grudgingly. He had a good idea of where they were headed.

Sure enough, by the time he had caught up with Sirius's long strides, they stood before the wooden doors to Rufus Scrimgeour's office.

James gripped his friend's arm before he could knock. Their eyes met and a pang of worry ran through James. "Don't do anything stupid," he whispered, letting go and stepping back.

Sirius eyed him and spat, "You should be telling him that." He jerked his head toward the office that lay in front of them and swiftly rapped on the door, which creaked open an instant later.

The office was furnished with two comfortable-looking chairs before a dark polished desk at which Rufus Scrimgeour sat, beckoning them inside with a warm smile.

Sirius led the way and James carefully closed the door, then turned to gaze at one of the armchairs longingly but not daring to sit.

"To what do I owe the honor?" Scrimgeour asked, his mocking tone matching his eyes. It was obvious he though himself higher than them, having not even stood to greet them. No, he just sat there in his expensive robes, smugly eyeing them over.

Sirius had very little chance of being taken, well, seriously. He and James had not been ranking aurors for even six months, and Scrimgeour would be likely to view any disagreement on his decisions as a direct assault on his character. In this case, James thought as he looked over at Sirius, it probably was.

"You know why we're here, _Rufus_," Sirius sneered, his relation to all those dark wizards showing more prominently than ever before. James winced at the harshness of Sirius's tone, suddenly wishing to be anywhere except that very office.

"Erm, actually-" James began in his defense, only to be cut off when Sirius stepped on his foot.

"Yes," Scrimgeour said after a pause, allowing delight to flood his face. "You have no doubt come to parade your support for my actions earlier. Well, I'm sorry boys-," Sirius began to tremble in what must have been fury at having been called a boy, "-but I'm afraid we are simply too busy for any of that. Perhaps after we have You-Know-Who in our custody," He suggested, wearing a more-than-teasing grin. But James could see the spark that had ignited in his eyes upon the mention of catching Lord Voldemort.

"Busy, sir?" Sirius's voice was surprisingly calm and collected. "Busy riffling through moldy old parchment for more clues? I was under the impression that Evans' clue had told us enough," he was now speaking with a tone that suggested he had found that he was mistaken and was begging to be set right. This was, of course, completely misleading.

"Oh-ho!" Scrimgeour guffawed, and leaned back in his chair. The tension in the room was suddenly broken at the unexpected outburst. "Surely you boys can understand why I have not taken action as of yet?"

A stunned pause met his words. Did Scrimgeour have some hidden motives? When neither James nor Sirius responded, Scrimgeour leaned forward again, placing his meaty hands on the desk. His eyes glittered with conspiracy and the mirth in his voice was gone.

"Do you two have any idea of the uproar this would cause?" he asked in low tone, turning his head slowly from James to Sirius. "A six-monther cracks the code in one day when we've had experts analyzing the case for months? Obviously this has a bit to say about our so called 'experts'," he growled. "Should the Ministry hear of this when the reputations of so many respectable wizards are on the line for an attempt at saving- what? One percent of our citizens? I ask you, Black," he finished, tilting his unpleasant head away from them.

Sirius had seemingly recovered from the surprise at what was really at works. He set his jaw. "Yes, _sir_, the Ministry should hear of it. It's not only 'our' citizens at risk, muggle boys have also-,"

Scrimgeour scoffed and turned away from the two apparently unimportant men in front of him. "Don't waste my time."

A snarl grumbled in Sirius's throat that he has the sense not to release. He turned and proceeded to tramp out of the no longer comfortable room.

Desperate to have contributed to the 'conversation', James hastened to the desk. "Sir, couldn't we make everything public and just give credit to the experts?" Sirius paused halfway out the door to hear Scrimgeour's response.

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Potter. Credit isn't like galleons- you can't spread it around however you wish," he had taken out a large pair of spectacles and was proceeding to read the papers in front of him. "When it's something this big, the minister's office wants detailed logs of exactly how everything played out. Changing or tampering with logs is a felony." James was indignant.

"Oh, so you're just not going to tell them, and that isn't a fe-,"

"Mr. Potter," the older man said gently, making eye contact for the first time. "Do you value your career as an auror or not?"

James walked glumly back to his cubicle alongside Sirius, who was in a perpetually better mood.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius recited his favorite statement to James, grinning and swinging his arms largely as he strode. He looked like an over-sized child. "I know how much you had your heart set on taking away Lily's glory."

"Yeah," James admitted, allowing a smile to come to his own lips. "Don't suppose Scrimgeour likes us much now."

"Pity, too," Sirius put on a mask of quiet remorse. "I really enjoyed his Christmas cards!" James chuckled as he recalled receiving a hideous picture of a porky toddler in a bow tie last year.

"So… Going to tell Rita Skeeter our little secret?" James asked, and, having reached his desk, began twiddling his thumbs.

"I'm currently weighing telling her now or waiting Friday… You know how many more people read over the weekend," Sirius replied, a far-off look on his face.

"Everyone will hear about it either way," James pointed out haughtily, watching as Sirius bent and scribbled a hasty memo and pulled out his wand.

"Right you are, Prongs." He tapped the parchment and it folded itself into a paper airplane, zooming away. "So why deny ourselves the look on Scrimgeour's face until Friday?"

Both men watched the flapping note proudly as a balding wizard held the heavy wooden doors of the 'auror territory' open for it.

"You're planning on making that interview anonymous, right?" James cast a sidelong glance at his unpredictable friend.

"Haven't decided," he yawned and laughed at the look on James' face.


	5. Muggle Day, part 1: Jim

AN: So I decided to kinda split this long chapter into two parts so you'll have it sooner. Happy reading, and review if you want me to get off my butt and type up Muggle Day, Part 2: The fun continues!

**LPOV**

Lily found herself once again peeking surreptitiously behind a curtain of hair over at Alice. The girl's words from the previous day still had Lily burning with curiosity. Just who _did_ Alice's heart beat for?

Alice had dragged Lily into her cubicle for the day, insisting that the "dull" and "ugly" walls of Lily's workspace was enough to make any "normal" person scream, and she wouldn't have Lily surrounded by it. Lily took a moment to scan the perimeter, and was unsuccessful in finding any grey wall poking out from behind the bright and numerous decorations Alice had pinned up all over the wall, chair, and desk of the cubicle. It was then that her eyes fell upon something that made them widen.

"Snagging the Stallion: Men tell us their Darkest Secrets?" she read off the spine of the little red book with eyebrows raised. Alice burst into giggles and retrieved the book from under the desk, dumping it into Lily's lap.

"That's for you," she said, obviously holding back a laugh as she watched Lily's face turn to confusion. "It's quite good… helpful," and that was the only explanation Lily got.

Unsure of what she was about to find, Lily warily opened the book to a page in the middle and gagged. "Alice! You didn't tell me it had **pictures**!"

**JPOV**

The day was overcast and gloomy. James stood in line behind Sirius, waiting to be served lunch.

"Can't see why we're not allowed to do this the usual way," Sirius grumbled from the corned of his mouth impatiently after the two had stood in line for ten minutes. His foot tapped and his arms were crossed defiantly. "I mean, everyone here would do anything for Arthur, but is this really necessary?"

James shrugged and dug into the pocket of his robes, pulling out the grubby memo that had appeared on his desk before lunch.

"_Friends and Colleagues-_

_Today, lunch will be served in the traditional Muggle practice_

_of 'Buffet', to honor Muggle Day here at the Ministry. I hope you _

_enjoy the feast! –Arthur __Weasley_," James read aloud.

Sirius shuddered. "Muggle Day- I almost forgot," he grimaced.

"Now, now," James scolded. "You remember last year? _That_ was fun stuff!" James grinned as Sirius looked fiercely at the ceiling, obviously re-experiencing last year's slip 'n slide incident.

"That wasn't funny! If Weasley had told me the rubbage needed water, nothing would have happened."

James decided to play it safe and let the subject drop. Besides, he thought as his stomach rumbled, they were nearing the front of the line where the actual food was. "Well, the food should be good," he thought aloud to break the silence. Sirius grunted noncommittally, still apparently miffed about James's taunting.

The line moved foreword, and James found himself at the end of an insanely long table that was bending under the weight of hundreds of dishes of breads, salads and meats.

"Wow," Sirius stated, his annoyed stance morphing into eagerness.

"Took the words right out of my mouth," James managed as he gaped. "Maybe Muggle Day isn't so bad this year."

"Oh, don't think it's over yet!" Arthur Weasley had appeared next to James in line, his already-filled plate in hand, an excited twinkle in his eye. A good natured man, Arthur stood about a head shorter than James, his shockingly red hair disappearing as his hairline receded rapidly. He had kind, soft eyes, and was the kind of person everyone put up with, because they knew his heart was in the right place. He was constantly running through the halls, brandishing a newly-discovered muggle invention, or offering to show you his ever growing fellytone collection.

"Oh, hello, Arthur," Sirius acknowledged, his eyes still glued to the food before him. James wouldn't have been surprised to see drool.

"We can't wait to try the food," James alleged, following Sirius's gaze.

"Oh, yes!" Arthur seemed to be bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Well, it truly is quite marvelous! I know you'll love it!" And with that, he strode backwards in the line to chat with someone else. The line moved foreword again and they were at last presented with plates and silverware.

Another five minutes later, they were completely through the line, their plates piled high with the hot food- there was no way they were going through that line again.

"Finally," Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of bagel. They found an empty table with some difficulty in the over-crowded cafeteria. "You know…" Sirius swallowed hugely and began to cast conspiratorial glances around the room with squinted eyes. "I've never even seen half the people in here. I bet they don't even work here!"

James snorted into his muffin.

"Think this is funny?" Sirius took another monstrous bite out of his bagel, ripping it in half with his teeth. "Think it's a laughing matter that bums off the street are penetrating the system to score some free grub?" The complete Sirius-ness of that statement made James laugh again.

"You're right, Sirius, this is a seriou-," That was as far as James was able to get without laughing at the look on his friend's face. Sirius puffed out his chest, bib and all.

"Ahh, yes. That reminds me, _James,_" he stated in slight annoyance. James sobered up. He didn't like the look Sirius was giving him.

"Huh? You never call me that," he said.

"I know, but I've been thinking over our little… _predicament _with you," here James' eyebrows rose, "and I have solved the mystery, so… go me," he ended, tipping his glass at James and winking. The charming effect was somewhat spoiled by the bib, along with the crumbs adhered to it and his chin.

"So just what is our predicament?" Sirius put on a pitying face.

"James, you haven't been with a girl since Hogwarts," he reminded his bewildered friend. "Is that the kind of legacy the guy who was once the Hogwarts top bachelor's best friend wants to leave behind?" James considered setting him straight- _he_ had been the Hogwarts top bachelor! - but considered better of it. Sirius had apparently seen the distress on James's face and misinterpreted it. "But not to worry! I have a plan. I like to call it 'Operation: Jim'!" James stared at him blankly. He was unimpressed with this plan.

"Who's Jim?"

"As of today, you are!" James wrinkled his nose like a child being force-fed lettuce.

"What is this suppose to solve?" Memories of countless occasions when Sirius's 'plans' had backfired were filling his head. Sirius was so intent on 'Operation: Jim' that he set down his bagel. Never a good sign.

"You see, I've been thinking about this for quite a while- since fifth year, when Evans kept turning you down. It didn't make sense. You're a handsome enough chap. And then, just last night, it _clicked_!" He was getting very excited now, and his food lay forgotten in front of him. "She heard us calling you 'Prongs' everyday! She must have thought that meant that you… well, that you were 'over-equipped'!" He spoke the last two words in a whisper, and while making quotation marks with his hands.

At this point James choked on his pumpkin juice at the absurdity of the words. He had heard absurd before, but this was WAY over the line. "I highly doubt it, Sirius," Oh, what an understatement.

"What else could it mean? We made them cryptic on purpose so no one would know. This wouldn't have been a problem if I'd had the foresight to realize some girls have dirty minds," He acknowledged, nodding his head solemnly. James peered into the other man's eyes.

"You're joking, right?" Of course Sirius must be pulling his leg. The notion was just too ridiculous. "You think that Lily didn't want to go out with me because she thought I had two… well, you know?"

"Well, honestly, would you go out with someone like that if you were a girl?" Sirius asked sheepishly. James began to retort- half the female population, _including_ staff had made sexual advances on him in his seven years of attending Hogwarts- but Sirius cut him off. "It doesn't matter now though, because you are indeed, um… correctly _proportioned_," he reassured James, gesturing at him from across the table. "But, we cannot allow another slip-up like that again! Therefore, you shall hereby be referred to as 'Jim'! Don't you see? It's ingenious! No one can get confused over an innocent nickname like Jim!" James was waiting for Sirius to laugh in his face and tease him for being fooled so easily. Sirius just sat, gauging James's reaction.

"No."

"What?" Sirius whined.

"You're not calling me Jim," he stated simply. Sirius gaped at him.

"Did you-,"

"Shut up and eat you vegetables," James ordered with the authority of a general. He couldn't remember ever having to tell Sirius to eat. To make the situation even more unorthodox, Sirius didn't comply. James raised an eyebrow.

"Not hungry? Well, in that case…," in one swift movement, he dumped the contents of Sirius's plate onto his own. Immediately forgetting 'Operation: Jim', Sirius sprang foreword to reclaim his lunch. James smiled inwardly. _Knew that would work…_

**LPOV**

Several minutes later, Lily finished the last bite of her broccoli casserole and leaned back in her chair, humming contentedly.

"Wow, Lily," Alice murmured drowsily. "You can really eat…"

Lily let her eyes close as she nodded. She hadn't truly eaten her fill in years. "I think I might sleep for a month," she admitted. There was silence. One of Lily's eyes squinted open to peer at her fast asleep friend. Her stomach gurgled happily and she gave into the sleepy haze…

"Well, well, well," Lily started and attempted to stand and face the voice, forgetting she was seated in a pushed-in chair. Her knees knocked against the hard plastic of the table. Alice snorted at the noise but remained in her slumber. Lily turned to glare at Elliott Adams.

"What do you want?" she hissed, perhaps a bit too venomously. He merely smirked.

"I see you enjoyed your meal, although I hope you saved room for the rest of the month," he chucked.

Rolling her eyes, Lily let her head drop back onto the table. "Go away. Let me sleep in peace," she mumbled.

"Nope. In case you haven't noticed, everyone's gone," Lily irritably lifted her head to search the cafeteria. He was right; they were the only ones in the vast room.

"Hmm…" she tapped her chin. "And I care? All the better to sleep."

A small smile curved Adams' mouth. "Well enjoy that while it lasts. I'm just warning you, they're bringing in the games now," he spoke slowly and deliberately.

Annoyance stabbed at Lily. "Don't waste my time, Adams. What games?" she was now wide awake, thanks to him.

"Apparently Muggle Day isn't over yet," his eyes gleamed. "Weasley's setting up an obstacle course in here!"

Lily sprang out of her chair, successfully this time. "What?" she clapped a hand to her mouth, waiting with breath with breath held as she eyed Alice nervously. The sleeping girl merely snored on. Honestly, she could sleep through a stampede. Lily turned back to Adams, this time whispering, "No no no no! Has he gone madder? Doesn't he remember last year?" She wrung her hands and began to pace.

"Wow, that woke you up," Elliott grinned.

"Shut up! We have to stop this," she abruptly turned to the cafeteria exit. "Come on!"

He jogged to her side. "What are you going to do?"

She paused, biting her lip. "I don't know- something!"


End file.
